MIND THE GAP 6

Today I enjoyed a meeting on ZOOM. At therem we had a presentation about the coming autumn beautiful full moon. If the moon didn't exist, how our life could be? Or where the astronauts stepped on the moon? What craters the moon have? etc. Every topic was really interesting and I could enjoyed them.

Reminded by that meeting, I looked for the Paul Auster's great novel "Moon Palace" on my bookshelf. TBH once I read this "Moon Palace" a few times in my college life. When I was a student, I adored Haruki Murakami. I wanted to be like him, so I chose American literature to study. I wanted to be like great American authors and poets.

I remember... When I read "Moon Palace" (Oh, lovely "20th century"), I lived in Waseda, a city in Tokyo. I lived in a narrow apartment. Without TV and computer, I read various books listening to Brit pop and Japanese club music. It was 30 years ago, so I can't remember exact names of those books' authors.

I have never thought if I could go back to those days. Of course, I could think that "if I could find that I am autistic, then I could find a better job. Or I could stay in my college. Anyway, the life could be different. Totally different". But that kind of idea ends in vain. I have to accept the current life because it is the best way to live. I think so.

But... I think this. What can be different in me from those days? Once, at that period, I hated me because I was too quiet bookworm. I wanted to be cool. A strong adult, a superman, a charistma... I wanted to be different from this self.

And now, I never say I am different from that kind of uncool self. I still love books and music. I am poor. A pervert. A slacker. But also I can find a certain feeling of "it's OK" and "so what?". Maybe that means I surrendered myself. I gave up exactly. To be an ideal self... That might mean I have become an adult.

Once, I was afraid of being grown up. I wanted to stay a child. Oh, an unbelievable memory.