Today I enjoyed a meeting on ZOOM. At therem we had a presentation about the coming autumn beautiful full moon. If the moon didn't exist, how our life could be? Or where the astronauts stepped on the moon? What craters the moon have? etc. Every topic was really interesting and I could enjoyed them.

Reminded by that meeting, I looked for the Paul Auster's great novel "Moon Palace" on my bookshelf. TBH once I read this "Moon Palace" a few times in my college life. When I was a student, I adored Haruki Murakami. I wanted to be like him, so I chose American literature to study. I wanted to be like great American authors and poets.

I remember... When I read "Moon Palace" (Oh, lovely "20th century"), I lived in Waseda, a city in Tokyo. I lived in a narrow apartment. Without TV and computer, I read various books listening to Brit pop and Japanese club music. It was 30 years ago, so I can't remember exact names of those books' authors.

I have never thought if I could go back to those days. Of course, I could think that "if I could find that I am autistic, then I could find a better job. Or I could stay in my college. Anyway, the life could be different. Totally different". But that kind of idea ends in vain. I have to accept the current life because it is the best way to live. I think so.

But... I think this. What can be different in me from those days? Once, at that period, I hated me because I was too quiet bookworm. I wanted to be cool. A strong adult, a superman, a charistma... I wanted to be different from this self.

And now, I never say I am different from that kind of uncool self. I still love books and music. I am poor. A pervert. A slacker. But also I can find a certain feeling of "it's OK" and "so what?". Maybe that means I surrendered myself. I gave up exactly. To be an ideal self... That might mean I have become an adult.

Once, I was afraid of being grown up. I wanted to stay a child. Oh, an unbelievable memory.

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On next Saturday, I am going to attend a meeting on ZOOM with my friends of the group about autism I belong to. We will talk about the website we are now planning to build. I need to talk to them about self-introduction. In other words, I am going to represent who I am. What should I talk about? Now I am thinking about that.

Why do I attend that group? And why do I want to represent myself via that website to talk about autism (like what I am doing now)? Because... since I was a kid, I have been different from others about the taste of music, books, and more. I couldn't get into the manga everyone liked (For example "Dragon Ball"). Meanwhile, I have loved the books which are full of literal words. From that, I started thinking "Why can't I synchronize myself with other people? Why am I SO outsider?".

Although his could sound banal, I have been thinking that reading books mean trying to talk with the books themselves. A kind of conversation... In other words, we are trying to talk with the authors, or the selves which can feel something by reading them. Like having foods mean activating our bodies with those meals, reading and enjoying other idea can activate our minds. And, those activated minds will let our souls speak a lot. From somewhere. pieces of idea start flooding. We let them go out. That is what I have been interested in.

Then, which area of mind my antenna start working toward? About autism, and... I guess it might be the "communication". In short, if I use Koujin Karatani's (a Japanese famous philosopher) vocabulary, it means touching the strangeness of "others" and "the world". But why?

Basically, for me, once I was really "the other" person. Once, I had been suffered from this strange personality of me. I even tried to change this self completely so bought expensive books to do that. It failed, however, and I felt depressed so much. "In the end, it seems that I have to live this strange dude's life till I die". Oh, what a hell. If I had to depress myself because I am I, then it would mean deleting myself is the final way to solve this problem...

Oh no! The story is going to the ultimate dark phase. But don't worry! Now I am certainly feeling the connection. I am with my friends (the people who are also trying to live their autistic lives positively). My life, from this point, seems really a chaotic one. But it also have one firm road. I quit alcohol, and started the memories of shame to others. I also started learning English and enjoying conversations with others. I also write various things like this... Those are connected at its root as "a certain form of connection with others".

I have been thinking those things until now. And, I still think about them. It won't end whether it would produce any money.

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I have never been abused by anyone. Instead, I had been bullied by classmates. School bullying is really annoying because it means that people just hate you because "You are just yourself". If you become their target, then they will bully you automatically. So I couldn't get any chance to say an excuse, and I had to endure their harmful words, It was really a hard period.

I hate you because you are yourself... I had to accept that message naturally, straightly. Once I thought that "why am I myself?" seriously. That is, for a teenage person, really "too early" theme. I needed to be affirmed fully, completely. But I had to face this kind of difficult, complicated topic.

TBH, I still feel that I have been blamed because "I am myself". They must judge me as "I am autistic" and "I am a man". In other word, they judge me because of my character. In other words, I am the person who needs to think that I might be caught by the distorted recognition or cognitive bias.

I am a Japanese, and learning English every day. Because... one of the reason is because "it must be cool that I can speak English so fluently". But in other way, there is a reason why "I want to see the full color world with diversity mind, not the monotone one". If I watched this world by black and white, then it would be really simple and clear. We Japanese say that kind of point of view as "black and white thinking", and it must have a trap because of that "simplicity" I believe.

If I choose trendy words, then it will become this. To learn English (or any foreign language) means to use any different operation system. We shouldn't let only one system occupies the world (as Windows and Android). But just giving another system a chance. Then, we can find any fatal error before we go to catastrophe.

Thinking like this, I start finding any positive meaning within this autism. Not only the negative meanings as "Mad person" or "Alien". If we had to endure the selection by the world, this kind of "handicap" we autistic people have would become simply an error. But, we might be able to find a potentiality within this alternative existence from human beings' wisdom. That's what I am thinking.

I have been thinking this sensitive topic with U2 and Radiohead. But their tunes suggest me really thrilling opinions to think about this problem. How should we treat our "identities"? Our "paradox"? But I need to think about this in another chance.

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Am I wrong? This morning, I had thought various pieces of idea in my head. It seemed everything was going alright. However, when I started writing the beginning part of this article on the draft paper on the table, I found nothing came from my head because the pieces stopped its buzzing. In other words, I could write nothing anymore.

Thinking about this... I find that I can write nothing anymore if I start writing my things with the will of "let's write MY TRUTH!". Because it is too intentionally or too forceful therefore that power of intention could stop my potential ability. I am thinking that I want to write more chaotic things with my junk words without any intentional force. But it seems "that's life".

Therefore I started Roni Size, and suddenly thought "why do I think that I want to write junk words basically?". And I found that there seem to be two selves in me. The one is the "good" self. It is really amazing, and perfect self so no harmful to others. And the other is the "evil" self which can be the reflection of that "good" self. It is simply lewd, sly, and chaotic.

And I, the one who is writing this, is also the one who stands between the gap of that "good" and "evil". Of course, I adore the "good" to be a perfect one but I never be. But I also never want to live a completely "evil" life with the belief of "human beings are simply, basically evil". I see. "That's life".

This gap...Should I try to fill it? But it seems it would take a really, too long time. I need the second, or maybe the third life to put it completely. Once I couldn't endure this gap therefore tried to solve this paradox by believing someone else blindly. If I tried to believe someone else (especially charisma), then the paradox would be vanished... but I want to talk about this the next time.

TBH, I still have been suffered from this paradox in me. I have lewd desire, but also read some philosophical books and get satisfied instantly as if I can achieved a certain enlightenment. I am using English like this besides I use Japanese in my daily life. Is this saying that I am living between the gap? The more I think about these things, the more I find I am really enigmatic.

But, when I confess this story to other friends, then they say that "everybody is so" or "everybody has their paradox in themselves. That's life!". And it seems that is also correct. Then, have they already solved this problem that I have been suffered from really deeply? If so, then how could we learn in our lives?

OMG! I am already 48, but I still am stumbling with this simple, easy problem. But... That might be life.