MIND THE GAP 4

I have never been abused by anyone. Instead, I had been bullied by classmates. School bullying is really annoying because it means that people just hate you because "You are just yourself". If you become their target, then they will bully you automatically. So I couldn't get any chance to say an excuse, and I had to endure their harmful words, It was really a hard period.

I hate you because you are yourself... I had to accept that message naturally, straightly. Once I thought that "why am I myself?" seriously. That is, for a teenage person, really "too early" theme. I needed to be affirmed fully, completely. But I had to face this kind of difficult, complicated topic.

TBH, I still feel that I have been blamed because "I am myself". They must judge me as "I am autistic" and "I am a man". In other word, they judge me because of my character. In other words, I am the person who needs to think that I might be caught by the distorted recognition or cognitive bias.

I am a Japanese, and learning English every day. Because... one of the reason is because "it must be cool that I can speak English so fluently". But in other way, there is a reason why "I want to see the full color world with diversity mind, not the monotone one". If I watched this world by black and white, then it would be really simple and clear. We Japanese say that kind of point of view as "black and white thinking", and it must have a trap because of that "simplicity" I believe.

If I choose trendy words, then it will become this. To learn English (or any foreign language) means to use any different operation system. We shouldn't let only one system occupies the world (as Windows and Android). But just giving another system a chance. Then, we can find any fatal error before we go to catastrophe.

Thinking like this, I start finding any positive meaning within this autism. Not only the negative meanings as "Mad person" or "Alien". If we had to endure the selection by the world, this kind of "handicap" we autistic people have would become simply an error. But, we might be able to find a potentiality within this alternative existence from human beings' wisdom. That's what I am thinking.

I have been thinking this sensitive topic with U2 and Radiohead. But their tunes suggest me really thrilling opinions to think about this problem. How should we treat our "identities"? Our "paradox"? But I need to think about this in another chance.