MIND THE GAP 3

Am I wrong? This morning, I had thought various pieces of idea in my head. It seemed everything was going alright. However, when I started writing the beginning part of this article on the draft paper on the table, I found nothing came from my head because the pieces stopped its buzzing. In other words, I could write nothing anymore.

Thinking about this... I find that I can write nothing anymore if I start writing my things with the will of "let's write MY TRUTH!". Because it is too intentionally or too forceful therefore that power of intention could stop my potential ability. I am thinking that I want to write more chaotic things with my junk words without any intentional force. But it seems "that's life".

Therefore I started Roni Size, and suddenly thought "why do I think that I want to write junk words basically?". And I found that there seem to be two selves in me. The one is the "good" self. It is really amazing, and perfect self so no harmful to others. And the other is the "evil" self which can be the reflection of that "good" self. It is simply lewd, sly, and chaotic.

And I, the one who is writing this, is also the one who stands between the gap of that "good" and "evil". Of course, I adore the "good" to be a perfect one but I never be. But I also never want to live a completely "evil" life with the belief of "human beings are simply, basically evil". I see. "That's life".

This gap...Should I try to fill it? But it seems it would take a really, too long time. I need the second, or maybe the third life to put it completely. Once I couldn't endure this gap therefore tried to solve this paradox by believing someone else blindly. If I tried to believe someone else (especially charisma), then the paradox would be vanished... but I want to talk about this the next time.

TBH, I still have been suffered from this paradox in me. I have lewd desire, but also read some philosophical books and get satisfied instantly as if I can achieved a certain enlightenment. I am using English like this besides I use Japanese in my daily life. Is this saying that I am living between the gap? The more I think about these things, the more I find I am really enigmatic.

But, when I confess this story to other friends, then they say that "everybody is so" or "everybody has their paradox in themselves. That's life!". And it seems that is also correct. Then, have they already solved this problem that I have been suffered from really deeply? If so, then how could we learn in our lives?

OMG! I am already 48, but I still am stumbling with this simple, easy problem. But... That might be life.