MIND THE GAP 5

On next Saturday, I am going to attend a meeting on ZOOM with my friends of the group about autism I belong to. We will talk about the website we are now planning to build. I need to talk to them about self-introduction. In other words, I am going to represent who I am. What should I talk about? Now I am thinking about that.

Why do I attend that group? And why do I want to represent myself via that website to talk about autism (like what I am doing now)? Because... since I was a kid, I have been different from others about the taste of music, books, and more. I couldn't get into the manga everyone liked (For example "Dragon Ball"). Meanwhile, I have loved the books which are full of literal words. From that, I started thinking "Why can't I synchronize myself with other people? Why am I SO outsider?".

Although his could sound banal, I have been thinking that reading books mean trying to talk with the books themselves. A kind of conversation... In other words, we are trying to talk with the authors, or the selves which can feel something by reading them. Like having foods mean activating our bodies with those meals, reading and enjoying other idea can activate our minds. And, those activated minds will let our souls speak a lot. From somewhere. pieces of idea start flooding. We let them go out. That is what I have been interested in.

Then, which area of mind my antenna start working toward? About autism, and... I guess it might be the "communication". In short, if I use Koujin Karatani's (a Japanese famous philosopher) vocabulary, it means touching the strangeness of "others" and "the world". But why?

Basically, for me, once I was really "the other" person. Once, I had been suffered from this strange personality of me. I even tried to change this self completely so bought expensive books to do that. It failed, however, and I felt depressed so much. "In the end, it seems that I have to live this strange dude's life till I die". Oh, what a hell. If I had to depress myself because I am I, then it would mean deleting myself is the final way to solve this problem...

Oh no! The story is going to the ultimate dark phase. But don't worry! Now I am certainly feeling the connection. I am with my friends (the people who are also trying to live their autistic lives positively). My life, from this point, seems really a chaotic one. But it also have one firm road. I quit alcohol, and started the memories of shame to others. I also started learning English and enjoying conversations with others. I also write various things like this... Those are connected at its root as "a certain form of connection with others".

I have been thinking those things until now. And, I still think about them. It won't end whether it would produce any money.